Overcoming School Trials

Let me say first of all that these blogs are often written as I am thinking so they may come out a little disjointed as revelations come to me as I write.

I had a couple of set backs and a triumphs this past couple of weeks. Others may not view either as much, but I do.

I have been following a plan that God gave me to apply to a school in PA called the Global School of Supernatural Ministry with Global Awakening www.globalawakening.com. I have been excited about this whole prospect and I would like to share what has been happening in my world.

My first set back was a minor one when I filled out the application as God lead me to do but I did not send it in nor did I send out the endorsement requests. I began to get antsy and feel heavy and down. I did not know why at first until I started to ask God why I was feeling bad and I got the impression that I was not obeying Him. So I made a promise to mail in the application and fill out my portion of the endorsements and give them out to the appropriate people.

On my way to work that morning I realized that I was scared that God would indeed make school happen. I mean, I have no money, no way to pay for school, even if I had the money for the tuition I still have to pay my portion of the rent down here, my car payment, a place to stay up in PA, my partnerships with the ministries I have agreed to support, insurance on my car and food, it will cost at a minimum $20,000 for me to go to school. I know that God can make this happen. How, God can do anything he wants to do.

So why was I scared He would make it happen? Because I have always failed at school and so that old spirit of fear was attacking me again. So I had fallen into my first trap and set back on this path of God’s plan.

The triumph was that I recognized it so quickly and was able to ask for forgiveness and decree that the spirit of fear has no place in my life. God does not set his children up to fail. He would not give me more than I could handle. God watches over me, Jesus guides me and the Holy Spirit is in me. It is true that I can do nothing on my own; however, I am not alone. I will never be alone for the Holy Spirit is in me always and with God I can do anything. Together we can move mountains. There is no way that I can fail if it is God’s will that I succeed. I consider that a tremendous triumph. Once I figured all of this out, asked for forgiveness and began to talk to God about all of his wonders and thank him for His insight I found I could not stop praising Him and I was over the moon happy and felt as light as a feather.

My next stumble came when I thought that others did not believe in me. I let the spirit of doubt and confusion enter me as this was a person whom I held in high esteem and I know walks close with God. I do not blame this person, for each person walks there own path and MUST do what God leads them to do. No where in the Bible does it say that our journey in Christ is going to be easy or comfortable.

I believe that God was using the people I love to show me that I am still trying to lean on my own understanding and not coming to God first for my answers. I bless them and praise them for following there hearts and there beliefs to bring there concerns to me and for allowing God to use them to strengthen me for his mighty work. Thank you so much for having faith in me and trusting in God. He works in us all to strengthen each other in ways we do not always understand at the time.

The situation:

I live with Mike; I have lived with Mike for close to four years. I have talked to God and he has set our wedding date. It is December 27th 2008. I have asked him repeatedly if he wants me to get married sooner and have the wedding in Dec. and he has always said no. I do not know why he has said this.

I have asked God if he wants me to leave Mike and he has said no. When I try and use logic and reason I can come up with so many arguments as to why I should either marry Mike today or move out. If God were to tell me that is what he wants me to do I would do as he asks me. However, that is not what he is telling me. God has made it clear that he has made me pure and whole. I am a virgin re-born when I was made new in the Holy Spirit.

Though we live together we do not live in sin, I live my life in and for God. The Holy Spirit has made we whole and strong to the point that I have no desire to NOT remain Chaste.

I can see the point for not wanting even the idea or suspicion of sin on someone going to school for leading people to God. Even though Mike and I are doing nothing wrong it would be easy for evil to use the situation to make trouble due to the semblance of sin.

I do understand why others would feel the way they do. I understand that the very semblance of sin is what they wish to avoid, I would like to avoid that also.

At the same time it has been such a revelation and a healing to me to learn that with the Holy Spirit I have no desire to break or loose my virginity until my wedding might. I think that God is teaching me that I am worth more than my sexuality. That I can live, love, and thrive without it. That being a sheep does not mean I am a mindless d roan but a faithful follower who has the desire to do God's will because we can hear the still small voice and follow it.

God has a plan and I am content, no joyful, to abide in his plan. It is only when I questioned his plan and his timing that I stumbled and allowed doubt and confusion into my life.

I believe the questions were brought up for a reason. Maybe to get Mike and I to talk, but more likely for for me to talk to God and become more convinced of what God’s plan is for me for today. So that I am sure in abiding in this plan of his that is so outside the box of the normal ways of doing things. I have said that I will leave my life and my house and family, and God has "but will you stay?, will you stand against the doubts of others and the fingers and the ones who know you and say that you of all people can't do it?" My answer is YES. I will do whatever God asks me to do where ever He asks me to do it.

God is wonderful for his timing and for bringing up questions and situations in a small place with friends and loved ones where we can share and express our feelings and thoughts without being totally laid open. God’s timing is so perfect that he knows where we are fragile and just like a metal smith knows where to hammer on the weak point in the metal to make it stronger he is hammering out the imperfections in my character to make me stronger and more resilient so that when he sends me out to face the enemy I do not break when the true test of strength comes.

Blessed is the Lord for he is the one who knows all of our strengths and weaknesses and exactly how best to temper us to do his mighty deeds.

I also understand that not everyone will have the ability to live this way and we should not lead others into a situation that they may not be able to handle. Not everyone has a friend and future partner that respects and believes in them the way that Mike respecters and believes in me.

I do not ask that anyone do anything they do not feel comfortable doing in God. I know that it have a great and wonderful destiny with God. If God wants me to go to GSSM He will make it happen. If he wants me to go this year He will work that out as well.

My job is to do what he tells me to do when he tells me to do it and continue to learn all that he has to teach me, and I will continue to do my best to walk this path every day.

I will make mistakes and I know that God is wonderful, forgiving and full of Grace. He has tremendous patience and I know he has a great sense of humor. He puts up with me and all I can say is it’s a good thing I am cute and I am so blessed that he loves me so.

It took me a week to turn to God to find out why I was upset and not feeling well when I had not turned in the application for school. It only took me a day to get settled after turning to God to find out what was going on and hear Him on the living and marriage situation.

That is a triumph in my book. God is so wonderful and patient.

Why am I putting this out here so that the whole world can know what is going on in my life?

That is easy. Because God is wonderful and I want everyone to know just how wonderful. He has made so many changes in my life just sense Easter and he is going to be making many more. I want everyone to know how wonderful God is and how much he has changed my life. He can change your life also, all you have to do is ask him. He is waiting for you, he wants you, he loves you so very much.

God has re-made me

I went to a wondrous conference called Voice of the Profits where God called me to re-dedicate myself to Him. I felt the pull to go forward so strong it was almost like a physical pull.


The next day we went to lunch at the house with a couple who had gone to school at Global Awakening and again I felt a pull to skip the afternoon session and just stay and talk to this wonderful couple because I wanted to ask questions and felt that they could help me.

I am so grateful that we stayed. Paul and Kristy are so open to God and willing to walk with him that it must be so easy for God to work through them. Kristy even mentioned that I needed to download when we first mentioned skipping the afternoon sessions.

God showed Paul that my biggest wound was around me accepting God's love. God showed Paul that the reason that I have always felt that I have a heart to love the world and why I can be with the most desperate of people and love them and be loved by them even though I did not love myself is because Jesus has always used me as a conduit to love others.


I have never had a problem being used. I had a problem believing that I had any worth to allow some of that love to leak through and bleed into me. I knew that God loved me, I didn’t know why. I may have been hurt by those I have loved because I did not have the full protection of God’s perfect will. I may have allowed myself to be used by those that I love until I have given every last bit of me until I am on the verge of collapse, not knowing that it is not my own heart but the heart of God that I was/am supposed to be spreading. Not realizing that I should not be looking to man to re-fill my "Tank" but just to love God and let his love, peace, and Joy flow to me and and it overflows me it will leak out of me and to everyone else.

God has re-made me. I get to have my virgin wedding night. When I was filled with the Holy Fire I was cleansed by the Holy Fire and all Sin was washed away with my repentance and
surrender. When God recreated me He recreated me entirely from head to toe. As I walk with God I hear his voice and have no desire to follow the voice of the deceiver.

The change he is making in me is amazing I have more love to give than ever before because for the first time I love myself. I have seen myself with Gods eyes and I am amazingly beautiful. How could I not love any creation of God's that he takes such joy in and obviously loves so much?

The other amazing thing is that it is not a carnal love at all. What I mean is that I am having no issue at all with keeping my virginity until my wedding day. God wants me to spend my time with him and he gives me the strength to do as he desires. Would he still love me if I stumbled? Yes, Do I have any desire to Stumble? No, for I am his sheep and I know his voice and he leads me not into temptation. I am a Princess in the Royal Kingdom of God this is my time to learn how to be treated and to react as his beloved Princess.

I learn more and more about what God has done for me every day as he reveals things to me and I am more and more amazed at his love and generosity towards us all.